Every once in awhile, my youngest tadpole swims up to the plate and writes this column. He doesn't actually type the words, but he provides the material one tidbit at a time. I started writing down his gems because I didn't want to forget these little nuggets of youthful wisdom.
Someday they may work well as blackmail material. Until then, they are good for a smile. Some of his latest observations on life: When his pants didn't fit: I think I'm taller. I must have had a growing sprout. When talking about the backboard of our basketball hoop: We shouldn't use it in the winter. In the winter the flexiglass will be frozen and it could shatter. When caught red-handed eating candy right before lunch: I figured Skittles didn't qualify as real food. On eating dinner: It works best for me if my food isn't mixed together before it hits my tummy. My tummy likes to do the mixing. More on eating: Do popsicles have a food group? When seeing me use a tweezer on my eyebrows: You pluck your hair out? Isn't that worse than biting your nails? Upon finding out his dad had Lyme disease: Can someone check me for deer ticks? After learning how to make paper airplanes: For my whole life I thought you needed a remote control for a toy airplane. Now I realize it just takes a piece of paper, and that's even better 'cause with paper there's no room for the batteries.
After visiting his grandma's resting spot at a military cemetery: When I'm a grown up and my mom dies, I'm gonna get her a really big grave. Sci fi thoughts: If zombies took over the world would we just get into our car and drive far, far away or would we need to get a spaceship? Scientifically speaking: Was the first person they sent into space a dog? On geography: If we lived in China, would we be upside-down? On history: When were shoes invented? Because I'd like to go back in time and live before that. On religion: If you turned invisible, would God be able to see you? On family:You have a mom and dad to protect you and keep you safe, and, if you are lucky, you are the big brother because then you can say things like, "Get out of my room."
On dreams: The only way you can remember what you dream about is if you wake up right in the middle of it. If you wake up at the end, you are brainwashed and can't remember anything. Except if you have a nightmare. Nightmares don't brainwash. They stick with you. I suppose there will come a day when I no longer keep a running list of commentary from the kids. They will grow older and wiser and will be less likely to see the world through youthful eyes. They will understand that China isn't upside down, zombies aren't real and popsicles most definitely belong to the fruit group. That day could come. But I sure hope not.
Jill Pertler is a syndicated columnist and author of "The Do-It-Yourselfer's Guide to Self-Syndication" at booklocker.com. She also offers writing and design services at marketing-by-design.home.mchsi.com